Let me introduce myself, it would be rude of me not to. Hi, my name is Zookey Zarling…yeah, that Zookey.  Ja the same one.  If you are shaking your head, and frowning, that means you need to roll up your socks and get on with the program, you are kind of left out. I am a social commentator on radio and on almost every other social network that exists, except for mxit. I just got turned off by the grammatical errors that exist on that social network, so I never bothered joining. The people that were on it, turned out to be bad ambassadors for the network. So you think I am judging? Of Course not. I also go by the name Judge Gqwethakazi and that’s what judges do. They judge.


I am not sure how your little hands got onto this magazine, but since you are now reading it, I gather that you are either inquisitive, a trendsetter, trying to find yourself, trying to be acceptable or you are an upwardly mobile individual thinker and a game changer. I like you.

When I was offered to write up in here…I first twiddled my thumbs and thought “oh-oh…what the hell am I going to say on a gay and lesbian magazine without being judged?” but then I put on my big panties and kind of thought, ‘what the heck’, they already judge me anyway, for just being fabulous. So, why not?

There is a lot I could tell you about, like not knowing what to wear when asked to MC the Gay Pride last year. Yes, after weeks of planning, I was like “how do I out dress the dramatic ones?” Or I could tell you about the first time I deep kissed a person with a tongue. It was my best friend Zodwa, we were in primary school, what is now called Grade 7, and we were scared that we were about to fall in love  with someone, and not sure how to kiss a boy.  So just in case the boys at rugby or at one of the school socials asked us out, we knew that we had to be armed with COOL SKILLS! So we sat on my mom’s sitting room sofa with the wooden arm rest and kissed. I was on the wooden arm rest, she was sitting on the pinkish cushion that was covered in hard plastic so that the sofa does not get messed up. Like who does that? But anywhoo, there Zodwa and I kissed, rubbing our tongues against each other’s lips not sure whether we had to lick or dance the tongues against each other or do something with the lips, but all that matters was that my first serious kiss was with my tutor and best friend Zodwa. I never got to seriously kiss a boy until after my matric year. So much for forward thinking and planning.

Do I regard myself a lesbian? Nope. I love men, coz I prefer their tool inside of my you know what. Oops, is there an age restriction up in here? *covers face*.

I have since learnt that kissing classes are things that happen at the beginning of each new relationship *roles eyes*. Some people have biting tendencies, some don’t want to pass that tongue to you, some just concentrate on sucking or pulling your lip and others just think pushing their tongue as far into your mouth as possible is what matters *heavy sigh*. Then you get the magic kissers, who don’t seem to last. *another heavy sigh*

Okay so you figured I have relationship issues. Psssh sit down. Don’t Judge, I am the judge up in here. Let me continue with my story.

My make-up artist & stylist is gay and he, she, oh well I get confused too, let me introduce shim to you. Diva Cadash is the name of my stylist. He thinks he is female so he swops between being a drag queen and being a male. He wears guys shoes, the best make-up on mother earth and then models as a woman when he walks. When I am walking with Diva Cadash in a mall, everybody stares, like everybody, and it’s never coz I am looking fine but its coz the Diva controls the Diva’s environment and holds the audience in the Diva’s palm. Capish? You got to understand. It’s a brand that I am talking about. The Diva!! It’s an attitude, a state of mind, the art of controlling your world and making it work for you.

ZookeyDiva Cadash did my make-up on this photo. You like? I like it too? Diva also taught me names such as ruby-woo and candy yum yum, which are adjectives for my lips as well as the type of lipstick I wear. Diva is responsible for making sure that I stand out, over and above my natural looks.

Why am I telling you about Diva? So that you recognise the fact that, moi, me, trendsetter, stylish me, in the 21st century still does not know the socially correct way of addressing gays or lesbians. I once had a heated debate on my radio show, and Diva was the closing remark. The discussion included the heads of the Gay & Lesbian Centre in Durban and we were questioning the social effect of the gender of Gays & lesbians. That sounds confusing right? ‘Cause it is.

How do you refer to a lesbian? How do you refer to a Gay? Of course you can’t say they are an IT, that’s not only rude but disgusting really. So if a girl looks like a guy through and through do you call her a him? And vice versa? Diva answered it this way “You’ve got to address me in the manner in which I am presenting myself to you in that moment in time. If I am presenting myself as a female, then you got to address me as M’am and if I am addressing myself as a male, you got to address me as Sir.”

Talk about being in control!

Whether, you love their outwardly open nature in your sexual orientation or you are in the closet “trying to find yourself and scared of what others would say; especially your family”, or you are simply a homophobe. One thing you’ve got to realise is that, times have changed and continue to rapidly change: daily, so you’ve got to adapt or ship out and live in a hole where only YOU and your way of thinking exist.

One thing you’ve got to agree with me on is that if we have to stereotype gays and lesbians we can agree that they are “ruthless, infectious, ambitious, genetically modified and are one heck of a scary social endemic.” Why do I say that? Coz once someone decides on their social sexual orientation their world changes.

They immediately have to choose their life carefully, and their friends carefully. They are open to social mockery daily, rejection becomes a way of life, and self-defence an inward skill. The more they fight for their social survival, the more their instinct of do or die grows within them. Their family becomes those that accept their sexual orientation and friends who are of the same orientation become first grade family. Their own personal social structures also change. Natural children are not a norm, they have to adopt or raise siblings or relative’s families and more times than not, they are not appreciated for this social activity, that is a growing need in South Africa as a result of unemployment and HIV/AIDS.

I continue to look closely at the lives of Gays and Lesbians, not as them being aliens in life, but as people who continue to confidently strive for that which I wish I had balls for. Mind you, my ex-husband wrote me an email, after he escaped our love nest with his & my South African residency papers. He told me that he had never met a woman with “horns and balls.” My friends continue to laugh at that. I still try and find both: the horns and the balls, but all I find is the evident Angel Halo that crowns my head.

I continue to seek better understanding of who I am and my purpose. I will come back next month with the various sexual names that exist and how easily people confuse them. I spoke about being a tomboy on air the one day and a listener on my show, called a Zarling, and wrote to me on FaceBook shocked that I was lesbian. I had to explain what lesbian, gay, tomboy, being butch, asexual, bisexual etc means. That of course is another topic for another day.

It’s been nice chilling with you on this space. Do find me on twitter @zookeyzarling and on facebook , you can join in on my madness on the Fanpage: Zookey Zarling.

God is the creator of heaven and earth and as long as you are breathing in oxygen and out carbon dioxide: your purpose on earth is not finished.

Till next time.




If You are facing rejection from family & relatives or at your work place, or you are angry, facing a difficult break-up or your world just seems upside down, please visit our offices for COUNSELLING. A session is charged at R250 for your CreACTIVE Zarling Therapy Session. You will walk out brand new.

Email me at zookeyzarlingcommunications@gmail.com or call on 076 038 5569