By: Ye Maya
I’m cheating on my girlfriend. No, correction: I cheat on my girlfriends all the time. And no, before you label me all kinds of evil tainted words, I am not a monster, sleaze or morally bankrupt. In fact if you meet me, you’d probably like me. I’m an easy going, genuine and warm person (I’ve been told) – who just so happens to be a serial cheater.
To you, I probably sound like the worst kind of human being. You’re asking yourself: how could a person (a woman at that!) consciously, deliberately cheat in all of their relationships? Unfortunately for all the amazing women who I have dated, this is not something that is written on my face. The truth is, to most people that know me I am a completely sweet and moral person. In fact, nobody but my sister and best friend could tell you of my atrocious behaviour in relationships. My privacy is probably the secret to my cheating success. I discovered a long time ago that the less people know your business, the less your business is known. You cannot cheat and have an Instagram page with “love lives here” tags all over your posts. You also cannot cheat when you have mutual friends with your lover.
Sadly, if someone were to ask me: “why do you do it?” I don’t have a satisfying answer (and don’t compare me to your situation I don’t speak for all serial cheaters out there). Not only do I not have a satisfying answer, neither am I going to bore you with trying to gain sympathy by explaining the guilt I (sometimes) go through. I cheat because I see and appreciate different things from different people. As a result, with the series of Prides every year, there has been significant pressure to organise my time and attention to the increasing “Will I see you at Pride?” texts.
I know right, you thought that dating women, you wouldn’t have to deal with the pain of a cheating partner. And I’m not talking about the: oops I was drinking and she came on to me type of cheating. No, I’m talking about the serial cheater who deliberately keeps a separate phone for their Whatsapp and becomes strangely unavailable on Friday evenings until 11pm the next day.
Currently I’m dating, a wonderful woman who I just met. She’s smart, excites and satisfies most of my needs. I love her very much and if you were to ask her, there would be no question of my love for her either. I am a really good girlfriend. I am insanely happy with her and had pledged to mind my own business. Then I met Tumi* through a friend.
Tumi, is a recent LLB graduate, smart, beautiful, loves art and we just had the most insane intellectual chemistry during our conversation. Tumi just got out of a very serious relationship and made it very clear that she is attracted to me, but didn’t want anything serious. No expectations, no demands, just morning texts and the occasional roll around the hay. Tumi is amazing, my soul is fed when we have conversations with her. It’s nothing more than what I share with my girlfriend. In fact I’d go as far as to say that it is significantly less. Unlike with my girlfriend, I have no interest with sharing my dreams and vulnerabilities with Tumi – me and her will only ever see the “good” parts of ourselves with each other. But for now, me and Tumi just…‘get each other’.
I love my girlfriend and she’d never understand my attraction to other people while being in a relationship with her. Honestly, there is nothing I want more than to remain faithful to her because I know she would never understand that she is more enough for me. I don’t cheat because there is something missing in our love life that I get from other women. People spend their lives trying to understand the psyche of a serial cheater. For me, the answer is simple: I’m just not a monogamous person. Theoretically, I understand the concept and beauty of monogamy but my affections just don’t seem to be getting the memo. I love women. Women are beautiful in every shape, colour and form – each with their own smile, attractive mind and even strange little quirks. I don’t believe that I should deny myself the opportunity of experiencing great moments with others just because I love my girlfriend. That being said there are a few things that I have learnt about cheating and relationships.
- Keep your relationships private.
- When someone mentions important events (birthdays, moving days, etc) keep note of it immediately on your calendar.
- Avoid social media dependency. If you are always available online disappearing for a day and a half raises question.
- Do not cheat within the same circle of people. Actually, cheat with someone who lives in a completely different city.
- Lastly (and this is the most important rule) if you love her, be attentive to your girlfriend always. They are priority number one.
Cheating (and I’m not just talking about sex) does not take away from the love I have for my girlfriend. The world has always dictated what the ‘right’ way to love is. Yet, for me monogamy is an abstract term that I just have no connections with. I lie to so many people and say I’m tired of cheating. But the truth is I’m tired of having to lie about my cheating. Life is just too short to live it by how society dictates is the right way to love. After all, there are people that still want to outline the boundaries of love to: a man and woman, but you don’t believe that.