Singleness vs. Aloneness

I often hear ladies saying they are tired of being single, they need a partner. They will go on and on saying I am growing older and life is passing me by, what is wrong with me? I must be ugly. There must be something wrong with me. Such words made me think of ways to help these women balance and review their concept of life.

What does it mean to be single?

Dictionaries have these words or synonyms: unique, whole, to be separate.

What does alone mean?

It has 3 major foundational definitions: exclusive, isolated, solitary. The problem is with our definition which has been given to us by society. The church has adopted this definition which opens doors to hurt, rejection and self-hatred. People have confused singleness and being alone.

If a state of singleness means “to be unique and whole,” then to be single should be every woman’s number one goal. Until you are a separate, single, unique and whole person, you are not ready to have a partner and get married.

Most marital problems arise because the individuals within the couple have not seen themselves as unique, worthy individuals; they have bad self-image, or they are not whole in some way. They are not separate but depend on some other person to make them happy. Until you are truly single, getting involved with someone will be a difficult and perhaps negative experience.

Your relationship will get better as you learn to become more single, unique and whole. Instead of running from being single, you should be running toward singleness.

Our Creator’s view on singleness
When God created human beings he said it is not good for one to be alone. He did not say single. He used the word “alone”. The first Creation was so totally unique and so whole that he did not miss anybody, he was so together so separate and so complete in himself that he did not know he needed anyone else.

Adam (human being) did not need a wife. This is another misconception we have gotten from traditional thinking. God did not say: Adam is not a whole being, so I will make him a wife to complete him. In Genesis 2:18 (NIV) The Lord God said, “It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him.” I believe God was saying that He would make Adam a helper who will be compatible or suitable or like him; another being who will complement him and be complemented by him.

What we need to understand is that God made a second human being not just for the other one to marry but in order that he would not be alone. Therefore, you do not have to marry in order not to be alone, all you need not to be alone is to have some other humans to be your companions and close friends.

Marriage was not instituted, as you can see from God’s perspective in Genesis 2 primarily to solve the problem of being alone. Eve was not created primarily as a wife but as another like Adam, who would first be a companion; then later, a wife.

Marriage or having a partner will not solve “aloneness.” Many people are married now and the marriages/relationships are not working. They pray to get free, sleep in separate beds, operate in tension in the home. Relationships like that create more aloneness.

God chose to give man the right to choose. He has limited Himself to only expressing His wishes for us not making us fulfil His wishes. God only presents, you choose. Choose today if you want to live your life single or alone.  

“God not only likes uniqueness, separateness, and wholeness, He insists on it in His creations” – Myles Munroe.