Unique Magazine has decided to minimise the casualties that were killed by curiosity like a cat. The“straight”commonalities are suffering from inquisitiveness sometimes questions posed are absolutely fine and it is understandable why.
Lesbians are a very fascinating, mystic and fabulous creatures of planet earth. You cannot help but be curious of their lifestyle from the food they eat, their jobs, gender roles, labels, about their sexual practises to their parenting-hood.
Sometimes there are certain questions that people really needn’t and/or shouldn’t ask.
On this issue we are looking at Lesbian parenting, warning against making assumptions on the basis of sexual orientation about people who are more suited than others to be parents or about people who should or should not be denied access to fertility treatments.
Editor of Uniq Magazine Donsy Kunene, had a chat over her favourite chai tea with the Ngobese Family dubbed “modern family” to find-out about their parenting.
Parenting confidence impacts kids more than a parent’s sexual preference. What matters isn’t the parent’s sexual orientation, but rather how confident they feel as a parent.
Editor: You always describe your family as ‘modern family’, what do you mean by that?
Ngobese Moms:In a typical traditional set-up a family is recognised as a family when there is a Father and a Mother which is termed as heterosexual. With homosexuals it is where children are raise by same sex parents and this is something that is new to many people. No because it has not been existed but because people were not exposed to it and reflected as taboo. Its newness translates to being modern hence we call our family a modern family because we are two women in a household raising children.
Editor:According to people like Cheryl Parrott, children who don’t grow up with a Mother and Father won’t have correct gender roles modelled to them. What is your view on that?
Ngobese Moms: Maybe we should first share that our belief and observation is that, what matters isn’t the parent’s sexual orientation, but rather how confident they feel as a parent. Parenting confidence impacts kids more than a parent’s sexual preference. Confidence that is driven by family values, morals and principles. We believe that from their upbringing foundation our children have an ability to branch-out and be who they want to be and live their own unique lifestyle.
Editor:Children of lesbian parents are less likely to identify as straight but significantly more likely to report same sex attraction. Can you attest to that, considering that you have other lesbian parents friends in your circle?
Ngobese Moms: Most likely because, and it’s not about lesbian parenting, it is natural that a child is influenced by parents behaviour’s, e.g. when you are raised by church-going parents and whenever there is a challenge they kneel down and pray, children are bound to follow the suit because that’s what they are exposed to. Like we said earlier on, it boils down to family values, beilefs and morals.
Editor: Have you received any complaints from your children being judged, discriminated or stigmatised because of your sexual orientation?
Ngobese Moms:Not really complaints but it has been more of curiosity from other children.
Our Children do not usually talk about what other people are saying about our relationship, it’s more about them how they perceive us and feel about us. To them it’s normal because we are more in a public eye, and we were in newspapers, so they would overhear other children discussing the article about us. They confronted us about the article, not because they were worried but because we did not prepare them about the article. From that incident we took a decision it was on one instance and it was on early days of our relationship where they heard other children in school discussing a newspaper article, they were not ok about it just because we didn’t tell them and they got to hear from school. So we took a resolution of discussing everything with them before it goes public.
Editor: Have you ever find yourselves explaining your sexual orientation to your children?
Ngobese Moms: Talking to your children about what it means to identify as Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual or Transgender etc, serve as guidance about gender identity and sexual orientation. By doing so you are teaching them the value of emphathy and respect for others, as well as open door for any future conversations regarding their own identity. So yes we had to explain to them during our courting phase in 2010 and that was it. Indlovukazi usually shares her journey for educational purposes and more in a spiritual level, for them to understand the diversity and uniqueness of human beings.
Editor: Are you planning to have your own child/children? If yes how? If no why?
Ngobese Moms: Yes we would love to, we always talk about this. Firstly the experience we had raising all the six we have right now and other two adopted was a good one. They are grown-ups now they are pursuing their own interests, now this urge of having a young one in this house increases. Due to our health and our age we are afraid to give it a try otherwise we would have taken the route of IVF /insemination way. We think our plan is clouded by trepidation.
Editor: If you were to give-in one of your children to be parented by another family. Which of the three families would you choose for your child and why?
Ngobese Moms:We don’t usually look at the gender or sexuality so we would give in our child to a family that is moral oriented and with principles. We cannot compromise just to please our desires but because for us it’s always about humanity and humility. As long as those parents are good people and can provide stability and education.
Editor: One advice to Lesbian parents who have a difficulty raising children that are not their biological genes.
Ngobese Moms:Communicate rules of the house and consequences. Always communicate your expectations, wishes, and it must not be about you as a parent but about the child becoming the true self; Raise a child according to principles, allow the child to talk, have opinion, take her/him seriously make them feel important; Encourage socialisation with other diverse groups; Mkhulise ngendlela ekuyakuba eyakhe umntwana futhi angasuki kuyo, akwazi ukuzimela noma ungasekho.