HOW TO TELL IF YOUR BEST FRIEND IS A LESBIAN
1. Pay attention to small signs. Notice the way other people hit on you or communicate that they’re interested in dating, and see if your best friend does any of the same things. Here are some things to look out for:
• Does she sit closer to you than she needs to?
• Is she constantly finding excuses to touch your arm, your hair, your shoulder, etc.?
• Does she often pay you compliments on how you look or smell?
• Do you catch her staring at you?
• Does she make jokes or comments about dating you?
• Even if she doesn’t do these things to you, do you notice her doing them to other girls?
2. Notice how she talks about boys. Does she ever mention having a crush on a boy? Note that not mentioning this might indicate that she’s just shy or reserved, and not necessarily a lesbian.
• Also note that it’s possible she’s bisexual, and likes girls and boys.
3. Watch her reaction to people who are gay/lesbian. Does she seem surprised about it or is she relaxed? Use your brains, though; sometimes she may be pretending to be surprised with the idea in an effort to hide her true feelings. She may also be lesbian if she seems very uptight and nervous about the topic. Be sure to take into account what kind of a person she is. In addition, many straight people are unaffected by exposure to gays and lesbians, so be careful to factor this into your conclusion.
4. Ask her. If the issue is truly putting pressure on your friendship and you feel like you need to know, just ask her. Consider these steps:
• Find a quiet, private setting to discuss the topic. You don’t want to embarrass her by asking in front of other people.
• Try to be open and compassionate, so that she can feel comfortable being honest with you. Speak gently and in a calm tone, don’t frown at her, and don’t make disapproving remarks.
• Don’t press the issue. If she says “no,” leave it alone. She might not be ready to come out yet, or she might not be a lesbian – either way, though, don’t prod.
• Let it go when the conversation is over. Don’t keep harping on what was said, and try not to let the discussion change your friendship. Once you’ve finished your talk, resume business as usual.
5. Communicate clearly that you’re not interested (optional). If your friend is a lesbian and keeps hitting on you, and you’re not interested in dating, turn her down nicely but firmly. Say that you’re flattered she cares about you in that way, but you’re simply not interested in dating girls (or, you’re just not interested in dating her). Stress that you want to preserve the friendship, and that you hope she’ll accept your decision gracefully. If she needs a little time to get over the rejection, let her have a few weeks to mend.
6. Resolve to be compassionate. Remember that this person became your best friend because there are many things you like about her, but that doesn’t mean you have to like everything about her. If you want to preserve the friendship no matter what you find out, tell yourself that you’re going to respect who she is and keep treating her like your best friend even if she does turn out to be a lesbian.
• Remember that some girls, especially if they are bi, do not show many signs. The best thing to do is not worry about it and wait until she tells you.
• Do not assume that someone is gay/les/bi because they support gay rights. A lot of straight people are “allies” of the gay rights movement.
• If you’re a true friend, your friendship will stand beyond your personal attitudes about a person’s sexuality. If you respect her as a person, she will do the same, despite if your opinions are different!
• Remember that she may be closeted and show none of these signs. You cannot know for sure unless she tells you.
• Never assume someone is gay/ lesbian / bisexual ask in a quiet space were no people are.
• Do not use words such as “queer” “fag” “dyke” and “butch” unless you are absolutely sure that she is not offended by such words. Never use them in a derogatory way. If you come off as a bigot or prejudiced towards LGBT people, there is very small chance of her coming out to you.
• Don’t be sad if you ask your best friend out and they reject you because they don’t feel ready for this kind of relationship yet.
• Do not assume that she is attracted to you just because you are a girl.
• Remember that sexual orientation is about self-identity. If she tells you her sexual orientation, do not doubt or question her, but respect how she would like to be identified.